Back and almost same same

We are still together and so much has happened. You can freely say that I'm very very stupid for still staying despite knowing he has cheated at least ten times since ever. Yep, still in pain, probably even more depressed and stressed. The only thing that has changed is I know what he's doing and he doesn't care. It's either I accept it or I leave. Haha. I deserve it, I guess. For being so fucking stupid. Stupid in love! How come I'm the only one in the relationship that is left here? That's what it feels like everyday! I feel like a wallflower. A fucking wallflower girlfriend.

Reading my previous posts have definitely upset me. Why didn't I do something for myself? I had the chance to let go and make myself happy, to escape from this selfish man who at that time had a relationship with a Thai girl online, and had even met up with her while we were back together again. And guess what, he came back with gonorrhea. AWESOME. And even after that? I still forgave him!

I thought that would make him get better. More faithful, I guess! If he felt bad for that he'll probably do his best to be the best boyfriend ever. That's what he said! But no no no no.... OH MY GOD! I can't write right now. I'm too upset. I'm soooo stupid!

What am I doing now? What am I doing with this guy who isn't respecting me anymore?? He hurts me everyday and he says to me that he doesn't give a fuck if it upsets me. Oh, he's on an online dating website by the way, talking to girls and ladyboys, pretending he's single and flirting with them. And I have to choose to live with it or fuck off! OH GENTLEMAN!

KARMA HELP ME OUT!!!! He needs something that he deserves for being a horrible man! He's sick and he just doesn't have any conscience. Don't I have a life too? Feelings? I'm a fucking human being for crying out loud!!!! HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yep. I am upset. I was just going to make a new blog but I logged in to a wrong account and discovered this blog.

I'm so sick of being hurt! EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!!!!!!!!!

NO ONE HAS A CLUE HOW HORRIBLE YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF YOU DONT STOP THIS YOU WILL BE A MURDERER FOR MAKING ME KILL MYSELF! 

Happy New Year! Happy?

It's a brand new year and I was so looking forward to leaving 2011. It was probably the worst year of my life. I've met people I wish I've never met and I've been hurt way more I wished I wouldn't be hurt. 2012 I need to be happy or seriously i'd probably kill myself. But I love my family too much I don't wanna cause them shame and pain.

I've read a bit of the stuff I posted on here before. That time I was so hurt and I thought nothing could get worse than what has happened. I was wrong. October I found out that he slept with another woman early last year. The woman who I hate with all my guts. And then a few weeks later I found out he also slept with someone in 2010. That only night I let him have his boy's night out with his bestfriend and he did it. That was so far the only ones I've found out. And then another one last December. But this was the worst. I can't tell anyone everything. I wish I can but I can't. Do you know how difficult it is to keep pain to yourself? Every day it haunts you. It's hard to forget.

I can't believe I still forgave him. I swore before that once is enough. But after three times? Really, Steph? Are you that stupid?

First day of the year I've started another diary. But he said that I always write when I'm upset on my diary and he's fed up of it. That is why I'm writing here, in secrecy. There's no other way for me to let my feelings out anymore.

I should just let it go or break up with him. That's what he said. Maybe he's right. If I can't forget about it might as well end it. I can't take it anymore. 

After this I don't want to be friends with you. Haven't I told you yet, YOU BROKE MY HEART :'(

Here again. Same same but not the same.

I haven't written on here since God knows when, I am thinking about a month. I haven't read my previous posts yet. I plan to later but before I do so, I need to express my current thoughts before they get influenced by my previous feelings.

Well, to tell you the truth nothing much has changed. I thought I was getting better a few weeks ago. I thought I could finally handle it and be strong enough to face the truth. But no, I wasn't ready yet. I felt like breaking down yesterday and the day before and the day before that one too. It's just too hard for me and the pain is too much.

How could he not care anymore? Why could he easily just let go and not want me anymore? I thought he loved me more than anything but why be so cold and be easy with this break-up? Why be so interested in other girls so quickly? These all hurts me so much. It stabs my heart and I feel like shit. I'm not good enough and I don't even have any chance. I don't even have a right on anything anymore. I feel like a total stranger, an unimportant shit person who he doesn't care for.

'I just want you to be happy'. Don't give me that bullshit! You know perfectly well that you have the power to make me happy and hurt me. You are not hurt, so that is why you don't understand how I feel. I don't need your pity. I need you to want me. But I guess it's never gonna happen again is it. It's too late.

No matter how much it hurts, and no matter how much I love him still I need to let go. I need to move on and leave him. It is not gonna make me happy either, it's gonna me so painful I can't even imagine it when that day comes but it is the right thing for me to do. I will never be hurt by him again once I have let go. I need this for me. I am going to be OK. No matter how long it is gonna take, I am not gonna give up on being happy again.

I don't want to be with a man who fancies a lot of girls. A selfish man who only thinks about his needs and won't make compromises just because of his fucking principles and would rather hurt me.

I am gonna be strong. One month. That's all that I've got left. If only I can just go back home now.

I can't sleep without dreaming about him with another girl and waking up breathless. I can't just sit back and relax when I see him sending a long email to another girl. I am fucking ignored. I am not important anymore and no matter what I don I can't change that anymore. The man I love is a fucking asshole. 

I need to be free

I just feel like I need to say this while it is still in my mind and its how I feel at the moment. I hope one day I can tell him this:

'I don't want to wait for you anymore. I don't want to wait for to break my heart again when you say it's not gonna work out (because you have not chosen me). I don't want to be one of your options, again. I don't want a WE'LL SEE. If you want me then be with me and fight for me to stay. But if you are not sure then I don't want to hope for anything anymore to be with someone who has desires for other women.

You are distancing your self from me. Are you afraid? Afraid that I am not good enough for you and you are missing out on better women?

Don't be selfish and leave me hanging. I need to decide what to do with my life. It is not all about you don't forget that. I am a human being! I have my own life and I can do what I want.

I'm actually stronger than before. I am not so hurt anymore so I'd like to stay this way. Let me be now and I'll do what's right for me. You can keep doing what you want without hurting me.

Goodluck and hope you find someone that will satisfy you.'

It is true I feel stronger than before. If I wouuld write this down last week I would be in tears now, but I don't feel anything at all at this moment! Life will be better for me. I have travelled alone before again and I know I can do it better. I can now follow my dreams. :)

Happily Never After

I don’t think I want this anymore
As she drops the ring to the floor
She says to herself: ‘You’ve left before’
This time you will stay gone, that’s for sure

And he shouted something as
She dragged her suitcase down the path,
To the driveway.
She had never gone that far.

Normally this would be the time that she
would let him talk her out of leaving,
But this time, without crying,
as she got into her car, she said,

No happily never after,
that just ain’t for me, because finally
I know I deserve better after all,
I’ll never let another teardrop fall.

As she drove away she starts to smile,
Realized she hadn't for a while.
No destination, she drove for miles
Wondering why she stayed in such denial.

She was laughing about the way he shouted something as
She dragged her suitcase down the path,
to the driveway.
she had never gone that far

Normally this would be, the time that she
would let him talk her out of leaving,
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
but this time, without crying,
as she got into her car, she said,

No happily never after,
That just ain’t for me, because finally
I know I deserve better after all,
I’ll never let another tear drop fall.

I'm done, I'm done, said I'm so done
I'm free, I'm free, said i'm so free, i'm so free, i'm so free
Free to feel the way I feel, yeah.

She inhales a breath she'd never breathed before
Don't want no drama no more.

No happily never after,
that just ain’t for me, because finally
I know I deserve better after all,
I’ll never let another teardrop fall.

No happily never after,
that just ain’t for me, because finally
I know I deserve better after all,
I’ll never let another teardrop fall.

No happily never after,
that just ain’t for me, because finally
I know I deserve better after all,
I’ll never let another teardrop fall.

another teardrop fall